Life and love and why II

 Te rog sa nu mai spui ca o să pleci

E un concert Carla's Dreams la TV și am dat random pe el. G se joacă în birou, eu mi-am uscat părul, și îmi dau seama ca totul se schimba. Ascult Carla's Dreams, casual, și nu mai am acea strângere de inimă.

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Toate încep mai târziu la mine. Totul. Viața

Pe G l-am cunoscut mai târziu, la 26 de ani. Viața noastră împreună, (dacă!), va începe aproape de 30 de ani..

21.iunie

și totuși... Mi-am modelat așteptările și dorințele după Oana. Oana l-a cunoscut pe M la 26 de ani și termenul meu limita, autoimpus, a fost 26 de ani. Cumva, Cineva s-a îngrijit de mine, să găsesc pe cineva cu care să-mi facă plăcere să fiu.

M-a mai întrebat cineva: te vezi alături de el toată viața? Și adevărul e că mi-e greu să-mi închipui ce și cum va fi, cu toată imaginația mea bogată, mi-e greu sa văd astfel de lucruri. Dar nu pot să-mi imaginez viața fără el, nici acum, nici mai târziu. Și cred ca asta e mai important.

Apoi am văzut o poză cu 3 fete, eu nu eram acolo, și sincer.. Nu mi-a părut rău. Nu am simțit ca pierd ceva. Mă bucur, sincer. Drumurile noastre se îndepărtau oricum, a fost momentul, ușor brusc, în care a fost un hard stop. Și nu îmi pare rău.

20 iulie.

Concediu cu C și V. G. doarme lângă mine. Eu mă uit la poze ale lui A și v. Am scris inițial 'cu' însă nu au poze împreună, așa cum nici eu și G nu avem. Mă întreb dacă se iubesc, dacă sunt încă împreună și sper in mod sincer că nu! Sper să nu fie fericit, nici pe termen scurt, nici pe termen mediu sau lung. And yet I don't care. Pun deoparte cartea si ma pun langa baiatul asta care ma ia in brate automat desi doarme. Happiness feels really good.

La vie en rose

 

Ce-mi doresc e sa fim bine. Sa-mi fac o rutina de ingrijire a parului si a fetei, sa ma tin de ea, sa invat sa inot, sa arat bine, sa fiu effortlessly chic, and kind-hearted. Sa am o casa frumoasa, cu cei doi motani si cu Gabi, sa pot sa fac bine oamenilor care au nevoie, sa fiu o prietena buna, si sa am prieteni de nadejde. Imi doresc sa fiu sanatoasa, si eu, si Gabi, si familiile noastre, si motanii. Sa avem un caine! Sa fie vie en rose. Sa am poze frumoase, in care sa zambesc frumos, si sa postez putin si sa se-ntrebe lumea ce fac.

Toate lucrurile astea ce par superficiale, pe care mi le doream si acum 10 ani sunt inca actuale. Poate ca nu m-am maturizat inca complet, poate nu e cazul. Toate lucrurile astea marunte care arata ca tot nu-mi doresc mare lucru, ci sa fiu normala, ceea ce mi-am dorit de cand ma stiu.

Life and love and why I

 Together we are celebrating 6 months since we officially went out and got together. I'm super grateful for this guy next to me sleeping

The one who changes the song everytime Ed sheeran comes on because he knows I don't like him.

The one who changes pillows with me and takes the hard one even if before he met me he only slept on the soft one.

The one who wakes up early to cook for us because I need to get to work earlier than he does.

He'll put together chairs at ungodly hours even if that means losing his parking space.

The one who holds my hand everywhere, in public and private.

He'll ask me to tell him what's wrong and what I want him to do.

7 months. 23 Dec

We don't post anything about each other on social media and that's cool.

I'm glued to my phone a lot and he isn't. At all. I was concerned about it at first because he didn't pay that much attention to me online but he's the să me way with everyone. He's sleeping in the living room right now because he sweat a lot and his phone is here in the bedroom. So is his iPad. I can learn from him.

24 Dec.

Our relationship is entirely our own. We decide when and whether it's serious or not. We decide what that means to us and what we want to do, now or next. Only we get to decide if it is right for us or not.

One piece of news, be it good or bad or neither or both, is that we're both pretty new at this. Surely, I had a serious relationship before, but it was headed straight for Marriageville at full speed and while I wanted to get married to that guy at that point and my feelings for him were strong, it did not mean I wanted to get married before I got to know him better.

The other piece of news, be it good or bad or neither or both, is that we can both learn and decide what's next together.

Sometimes I get anxious about the future, whether I am doing anything with my life, whether I am doing what brings me more joy and less stress and I am afraid that I will lose the good things I have, or that I never had them in the first place.

I am trying not to worry about the future too much, and if I do as I can't barricade myself entirely, I try not to burden you with them

14 Apr

City of stars are you shining just for me?

10 1/2 months flew by. We've been self-isolating together for a month now (this is our fifth week). We have limited contact with other people - as one does when social distancing - but we've been doing okay. I've had little need for more alone time. I think we're enjoying the living together trial more than expected. We've only butt heads a couple of times to my great surprise.

I am curious to get to know this guy even more.

I've written the least about him than any of the other guys I've been with. We've navigated our fair share of challenges and I know moving forward we'll have a number of them staring at us as well. But he's patient and understanding

G has the nicest smile and the cutest squinting glance when he smiles or laughs. His eyes becomes two lines just like those of an anime character, and you can see his dimples. He was very shy on our first date, so I didn't make much of it, but there was that one smile that slipped that made my heart smile in return

August 3, 00:05 am

Oh they told me nothing new but I love to read the words you used.

10 august.

Ne vedem la nivelul următor.

The hustle.

It's okay if things take time. If we don't move into a spacious house with a garden, trees and a patio before age 30. If we don't

Everyone is on their own journey. They're reaching their milestones in their own time. They have a set of perks, we're dealt different cards and we use them differently.

I don't have it bad. I never did. I went on vacations I bought stuff I liked. It's not been bad and I dare hope it won't get bad. Money should be a vehicle that helps us get what we want, not be our ultimately goal.

22 august

Să cânte trompetele ta daa

Alături de G cred sincer că vom ajunge sa avem viața pe care ne-o dorim. Pe care mi-o doresc.

I'll get to have a house and a yard and have someone by my side who doesn't feel threatened by me, who doesn't think I am *that* amazing (still don't know if that's good or not). I'll get to have a dog or cat or both, and someone patient and loyal.

We'll have our trips and vacations if I want to, he'll help out around the house, and if I ever get brave enough to take the plunge and move abroad I'll convince him and he'll move with me.

I have all these things, even right now. I don't have to wait for the future. I have the important things right now in the present. I have the loving boyfriend, the great relationship, I don't have to worry about money.

22 Feb 2021. 1y9m flew by. I don't write about this. I wonder if it's because he does not give me reasons to dissect his behavior and overthink it or because most of the romance is gone. I don't need to guess what he's up to and what he means by saying or doing this or that, I can straight up ask him.

Maybe love took a couple detours for me to make sure I understand I have it good with him once we struck that point of balance. He says he's happy, sometimes I wonder if he truly is, maybe because I can't conceive someone being happy with me in the long run while spending so much time together. I know I bring sunshine to people in smaller doses but what about all day every day?

1. March 2021.

Honey and the moon

Want something that I want

Something that I tell myself I need.

Where does the ocean go?

Where do ideas, feelings go? Do they ever leave us?

It's been so long, I wonder what changed in the way I process everything. It seems I no longer need the sheet of paper to clear my mind, to make a path, at least not as much as I used to.

I cried last night, because we played The {And} question game and when the question read 'What do you want out of this relationship?' his answer was 'Genuine happiness' and 'waking up feeling happy and grateful about the person who's sleeping next to you' and I cried a little because you know, I'm fragile like that. 

There's no life update or anything. I look at our cats (we have *our cats*) and how they resemble the two of us and I wonder about life and how much meaning is there in what we deem 'chance encounters'. I wonder if I'm where I should be, and wonder who and what decides this point. 

To the shore

Freedom

Life@

Wake me up

Wake me up inside

A blank piece of paper and no words to describe who or where I am right now and what it is I am feeling. I stare into the abyss and it stares right back at me.

There is no clarity, there is no ‘going forward’. I am scared, feel hopeless and discouraged. I don’t feel adequate.

The talk I listened to last night said she noticed that usually when women feel like an impostor it’s because the job is not right for them. I don’t know a lot, and instead of making me excited i feel disheartened. I do not feel challenged, I feel embarrassed at what I don’t know. I do not feel like I am making progress, I feel like an idiot who learned a bit about how to function better in the given context.

 

Got to open my eyes to everything

My procrastinating self.

I’m really blessed to have G. The days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months and somehow it feels like we’ve lived years. He helps out, earlier he came in and brought me breakfast. I was too stressed out to think about it, with my two presentations I haven't started yet, let alone prepare it.

 

‘I get paid to think, so I read every day’. I read this article yesterday during one of my procrastination bouts about Romanians being the European nation who reads the least. I thought about myself and how I read articles every day but I do not have the patience to read them entirely and most often skim them, and how I can’t remember what’s the last book I finished. So I’m starting  this new thing where I try to read 20 mins/day. My hope is it will improve my train of thought, my chain of ideas, maybe my resilience. My  Romanian and English have both become rustier overall.

My life is chaotic and it’s beginning to exhaust me.

I used to write more and my ideas didn’t seem as disjointed as they are now. Writing used to be therapeutic to some extent. I used to unload the burdens I’d been carrying by writing my thoughts down. I would them carry on. I haven’t done that in a long while. Instead I started playing my own version of ‘Kwazy Kupcakes’ and pretend that relieves the stress.

I am unhappy when I think about the things I do not have, anxious when I think of the next step in my adulting life – owning a place – and paying mortgage installments. I can’t find that many things that bring me joy anymore. It’s sad, and I am pretending things are fine, but the person who matters most, me, already knows it ain’t so – a powerful snake that’s been eating its tail.

'Human' comes on in the playlist and

 'Human' comes on in the playlist and I am instantly transported to another cold hotel room in Germany two years ago. It was autumn and all I wanted was for the workshop to be over so that I go see my 8-years-older crush.

I shudder. If I'm posting a picture on Facebook now from Frankfurt 85% of the chances are that I'm seeking validation from him, that I want him to see me be in Germany.

The other 15% is from when I am seeking validation from the others.

I need to be reminded of the fact that I am not behind. Not behind anyone else. I am in my own lane. On my own frequency. These people are older. They have had time to apply themselves, fail, learn, get better, get back at it. I'm not even 30 yet.. I need to be patient with myself.

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City of stars, are you shining just for me?

 Precious,

There are many things that I would like to say to you but I don't know how.

It's 00:41 and you fell asleep holding my hand. It's small, but I think it speaks to the way we are right now. Close, growing closer, like vines intertwining as they grow.

If someone had asked me, this time last year, what do I think the future holds for me I would have never guessed it would hold this long-lashed boy that looks at me with eyes so full of love and care (I hope that's what I'm reading in your eyes!), who holds my hand everywhere and kisses me whenever he has the chance.

I know I've said this before, but what I admire most in you are your determination and patience. Especially when mine don't match. You're pretty great and I'm glad I took a chance on this last year.

Beyond any doubts we both might have about what we have in common or what keeps us together, beyond how we think the other should change to be *everything* we want, beyond us both being homebunnies, our love of food and our witty banter, I think the patience, the thought and the willingness to make this work that we both bring are the most important parts of what make us us, and what make us truly work.

A part of me lives through written words, because growing up, writing has been one important way of processing everything. I have written less and less during the past few years, and especially less since we've been together. Maybe I'm starting to live more and think about it less, and it may not look like a compliment to you, but I think it's this year's greatest achievement.

You sleep so peacefully next to me and that soothes my heart in a way that is difficult to describe.